Normally, when I write these posts, I like to start off with a brief introduction but, today, I just want to get down to brass tacks.
1. "Parent" is, and should be, an honored title
I'm a fairly independent person and I enjoy my freedom immensely. I cannot imagine what kind of stress and dedication it takes to be a parent. From the instant they're born, children are demanding. Babies cry in the middle of the night and need constant attention. Children are a little more independent but, ultimately, they still need to watched constantly to ensure they don't hurt themselves or others. Teenagers, in so many cases, revolt against their parents before seeking their own way in life. And, if you're lucky, they don't move back in after you send them out to college.
Yet, I hear from parents time and time again, that there's nothing in the world like being a parent. Yes, there are hard times but, in the end, it's worth it to have someone you love and care about so deeply. Being a parent presents one with a perspective on love that is difficult to find anywhere else in life. To truly know what it means to joyfully sacrifice yourself for someone else is a concept that parents come to realize in time and, for that, the title of "parent" is an honored title, and rightfully so.
2. The success of a marriage and a woman's self-worth should not be defined by having or raising children
As a married man, I find this increasingly irritating.
I would think that, as a society, we would have come to a place in time in which choosing to not have children would be socially acceptable. While it most definitely is not the case that my wife or myself will be publicly rebuked or shamed for actively pursuing lives outside of reproduction but we get the not-so-subtle hints about how we are living life wrong. Of course, no one would ever admit to doing such a thing. It would be uncouth to make such implications but this happens all the time.
The success of a marriage (if this is even somehow quantifiable) is not dependent upon having or raising children. Don't get me wrong. I am certain that there are marriages out there that would never have survived or thrived were it not for the hardships endured through raising children. I am certain that a successful marriage for certain people includes having children and/or raising children. All that I'm saying is that it is not a necessity to a successful marriage. My wife and I are quite content to live out our lives together without the pitter patter of little feet. I know of a handful of couples who, for medical reasons, cannot reproduce. To say that "they don't deserve each other because they can't have children of their own" is abhorrent. I fail to the see how making a conscious choice to not have children is much different.
A woman's self-worth is not defined by having or raising children. I understand that in times past, there was this stereotype of a woman being barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen (that somehow has become working, pregnant, and in the kitchen) but, call me crazy, I think my wife is worth quite a bit more than that. Again, don't get me wrong on this. I'm not saying that being a stay-at-home mom (or dad) is a bad thing. I think having a wise and loving body at home is a wonderful thing for a developing young mind. I'm not saying that a woman shouldn't find worth in having children because, as I said before, it's an blessing and an honor. All I wish to say is that it should not necessarily be part of what defines a woman's self-worth.
I love my wife. I love her deeply. When I see or hear about people making implications about her self-worth because of our (not just "her" or "my" but "our") choice to not have children, it makes me quite angry. Now, I'm not a violent person and, in fact, if someone tried to take me on in a fight, I probably wouldn't stand a chance but I will defend my wife with every fiber of my being and every breath in my lungs. I'm not trying to threaten anyone, just raising awareness of the issue at hand.
3. Consider adoption
This is somewhat of a left turn but this has been something on my mind when thinking about having or raising children. If you're thinking about having children, I would urge you to give prayerful thought to adoption. It's estimated that there are 143 - 210 million orphans worldwide, over 14 million age-out of adoption systems. That's about 1 sixteen-year-old, someone who grew up without a loving mother or father, going into the world alone about every 2 seconds. To me, statistics like that are just mind-boggling and heart-breaking.
Again, don't take this as a criticism of those who want to have children of their own. With so many children already out there who need someone to love them, I would just ask that you consider the alternative thoroughly before proceeding.
If my wife and I ever felt that having a child was right for us, this would most likely be the route we would pursue. I don't say that out of self-righteousness but out of lacking the ability to turn a blind-eye.
Who knows though. Maybe someday through some miraculous accident, I'll be a father. For those of you taking bets, though, I wouldn't count on it.
