The last post long and drawn out. Seemingly, it was also full of tangents as well but, let me assure you, it was all relevant information. And now, for some more random pieces of information.
A long time ago, before I was a member of a church in the area, I was going to Church 1 and speaking with the Pastor about the church's theology and structure, talking with him about every question I could think of, from baptism to ordination. Three things happened in the process:
- The associate pastor asked me to be a Youth Counselor while I was visiting one time. You know how that turned out from my last post.
- I was convinced that the church's theology had no faults that I could find and became a member (along with my wife)
- I had the thought put in my head that I might want to be a pastor
I was raised Christian but when I was in high school, my family started to drift away from going to church. I felt something missing in my life at the time so I began looking for a church. Time and time again, I was sorely disappointed by the way I was treated as a teenager. No one took me seriously and why should they? The examples of Youth Groups around include kids who came, sang a lot, had fellowship time with each other (heaven forbid, teens would talk to adults), and never talked about deeper theological or spiritual topics. After a time, I became so frustrated that I crafted my own thoughts on how a church should be constructed.
Honestly, I was pretty naive. I tried starting it as a bible study with my friends and that just fell into bickering over the most pointless of arguments. That was a rough time for me, spiritually speaking. That's not to say that things have gotten easy but I have definitely learned some ways to cope (prayer of all sorts, typically).
At any rate, I moved here for grad school, as I mentioned before, and I decided to give a campus ministry a try. What I found was quite astounding. The moment I walked into the ministry, I knew that it was where I needed to be. My fellow students were friendly and engaging. There were small groups where we dug through some more penetrating theological issues. I loved it. My hope that Christianity could be a vibrant, communal faith was restored.
Fast forward, through my conversations with the Pastor, I learned that the doctrine and structure of his church was uncannily close to what I had envisioned. In fact, the ideas that I had had were already in practice and refined to a much more practical approach. Ideas I had not thought about were in place and oversights that I didn't see become obvious. I was truly impressed at the structure.
In one of the meetings, the idea of ordination came about and, I'm not quite sure how it got there, but a bug got into my ear, metaphorically speaking. I would have screamed bloody murder if that had literally happened. What would it like to be a pastor?
I mulled it over a bit, put it in the back of my mind, and went about life. Every once in a while, it would creep up again. I remember having a conversation with someone else who had mentioned that they thought I was going to go to become a pastor. I recall talking to the Youth Minister about how many people who become pastors find their way through Youth Ministry. There have been other conversations that I've had with my wife that have made me think about it.
Moreover, when I began teaching Sunday School, I realized how much I loved it. I know, it's not the same thing as being a pastor. There's a lot more to it than preparing a lesson for a (hopefully) captive audience but it really made come to grips with the idea that what I really want in life, more than anything else, is to help.
Deep down, I don't want glory or even to be remembered. That series of blog posts I did a while back about my assumptions truly reflects who I am as a person. Yes, I do have shallow desires. I would love to be remembered. It's a great feeling but it's not what I really want out of life. I want to be that tsunami for good, not just a drop in the ocean.
Anyway, now I'm starting to ramble. The biggest thing that I want to get off my chest is that I've been thinking about becoming a pastor. A lot. I've prayed about it. I've talked to a close friend or two. So far, nothing of consequence.
Again, I feel like I'm cutting this short because there's more that needs to be said. I will leave that for another post.
I'm gonna get me the first comment. :D
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I want to say that I read both posts and both were pretty substantial, well thought out and had very clear direction. One thing I missed was a mention of all the talks *we* had as teenagers about this specific thing. Sometimes I don't know that it came to a definitive conclusion or arrived at anything in particular, but I believe that the fact that we were speaking about it at all, and at times very seriously, is a very good thing that I think always contributed to who we were and are as people.
In regard to the question you have (and have had) in front of you for what seems to have been some time now (whether to go into full time ministry) I think there's a lot to consider. That being said, from what you wrote, it seems like a lot of the considering has been *done*. I mean, I know you've spoken with Kelly, you've said you've spoken with multiple influential people in guidance roles in multiple churches and you've prayed about it, I'm sure, ad infinitum.
My thinking is this: In all that you've written, I felt like we got very little of what *you're* actually feeling, outside of confusion. What do you feel about the other things you do with your life outside of church and ministry? I know you've always been an extremely educated person with a real love for math and science. What place does that have in your life? Do you enjoy it still? Do you still feel like that was what you were built to do, skill-wise? I also know you love literature and philosophy. The same questions apply to that topic.
To me, when you talk about going into ministry, I imagine this (because, of course, I've never gone into the ministry myself): Being a paster and following that direction in life has a mystique and a certain air about it amongst Christians. It's like a job with this bright, holy spotlight shining down on it. I think there are times where most christians at least think "what if I became a pastor" in passing. The bottom line is, though, that if we were all pastors, there'd be no flock. There'd be no garbage men, waiters, designers, mathematicians, etc. We all are built with a purpose and if that doesn't lead us to being a pastor, that does not mean we're not following God.
All that is to say this; while being a pastor has some rather lofty connotations to it, it also is, lets not forget, a *job*. It's a career. You wouldn't do other things, you'd be a pastor full time. When you think about it in those terms, does your heart, mind and prayers relay to you that that's really the direction you should go in? If so, awesome! But if not, then perhaps there are other options.
My thinking is this: God gives us gifts. I'm an artist first and foremost. I create. It's what I enjoy, it's what I feel at home doing, it's what I feel, in general, I was built for. I've thought of doing other things (being in sales, being an actor, etc etc) but at the end of the day, I think about *not* drawing and creating and it just seems ludicrous and a little silly. It just wouldn't be *me*.
ReplyDeleteYou are all the things that you are. You have all the things about you that you have for a reason. I think the answer lies in you and in some creative thinking. Perhaps the question is not a blatant "Should I take all these things about me, toss them to the side, and start over at square 1 as a pastor?" and instead "How can I take my desire to further God's kingdom, bless those around me, show his love and also utilize my talents?"
I always admired and at times (even now) envied the talents and skills you had when we were growing up. You just seemed to understand things so easily and you seemed so good at explaining or sometimes just breaking things down. You had a mind that could take things that would make the gears of my mind grind to a screeching halt and take them apart, piece by piece (like this puzzle I'm staring at in the background) and put them back together in a way that made a clear picture that made sense; all from what seemed, to me, like an absolute jumbled mess.
I would say this, at the end of it all: Find a way to mix all the things that are *you* and parlay those things into something that would make God proud. That, at the end of the day, is what you were built for. He made you who you are for a reason. Don't let who you are now go to waste or just be forgotten or placed in the back seat (not that you would, just sayin'). Take all the things you love and mix them up with the things you know God loves. If there are things that exist that fit the bill, go do that. If there isn't, then your calling is to invent it; make it so. It could be writing a book or books (fiction or non-fiction). It could be starting a business. It could be starting an organization. It could be inventing something that's a benefit to tons of people, like an app (oh the things apps can do! O.O). The options are endless and you'll find it, because God will lead you to it.
And in this last bit, I just want to tell you I love you. You're still my best friend and I hope that all is well with you and the world around you. I hope you and your wife are happy with your little dog and I hope you will give her my best. I miss you like crazy, man and I miss hanging out. Talking over Dairy Queen ice cream is something I'll never forget, as are our other myriad conversations. We've always been opposites that were brought together for some weird reason, but I think it was and is and always will be a good fit.
ReplyDeleteI know this was obscenely long (I hope I didn't dwarf your original entry but I fear I did LOL) but all that to say, I hope that God had his invisible hand going through me onto my keyboard, and I hope you know I love you and that you know that you've got a friend (the best kind, I hope) in me and that I hope your life is the best it has ever been at this moment, or if it's not, I hope it's on its way there.
*bro hug*
Your friend and brother,
Andrew
Well, you have definitely earned the right to comment on all of this and, you're right about me not adding you into the mix of "when I was a teenager". I don't mean to belittle those experiences at all. The fact that my faith is where it stands today is do, in large part, to the times we spent in the car or at DQ talking about everything and anything that came up. It's a strong part of my faith experience. The part I was trying to focus on was how I viewed the church growing up and my frustrations with its inadequacies but, you're right, the church is more than just the narrow community of Christians that are members at the same organization. Like the song says: "I am the church, you are the church, we are the church together."
DeleteI don't view becoming a pastor as throwing away the gifts and talents that God gave me. I'm great at what I do, I'm not denying that (because we all know I'm not that humble :P). However, sometimes, I think, dropping everything and taking up this new line of work would have greater meaning. It's a matter of choosing between what's good and what's better. And I agree with you that there are other options for me that I need to consider. In all that I do, regardless of whether I was explicitly a pastor or not, I need to be building up the Kingdom. There are plenty of other capacities that I can serve in that don't require a change of occupation. Also, if I wanted the best of both worlds, I can serve as a part-time pastor and keep doing something similar to what I do now. I'm sure there are options that I'm not even considering. What's the final answer? I'll find out.
I'm not going to lie: I love my job. Sure, there are times when I hate what I'm doing at the given time, like if I'm working on documentation for a week straight that keeps getting rejected because it needs more detail, but you'll get that at any job. For the most part, I spend days researching, building, and debugging programming code. It's almost like I get paid to tinker and build all day and I'm good at it. That's a pretty awesome situation. Why would anyone in their right minds want to give that up? I'm not in my right mind, I guess hehe.